Steel Wool and Pumping Iron

Hi Everyone!!

I don't know about you, but I can't WAIT for this weekend! My mom, sister, and best friend are coming to my bridal shower that my lovely MIL-to-be is throwing for me here in Boston! I LOVE getting company. It makes you realize that, even though you live in a big city that you don't know very well, you do know more than you think. It feels great to take a guest to your "local pizza joint" and be proud that you have such a thing. Is that just me? I don't know...I just like showing people I love the places I love, so when they are far away, I can call and say, "oh, we went to Ernesto's last night" and they have a mental picture of where that is. Reason number six million and forty-five why I need a new (bigger) apartment. (so I have a guestroom!)

Speaking of apartment, my dear friend Laura D. is moving to my neighborhood this summer, so we can commence with much merriment and hijinks! Hurrah! One of the worst parts of where we live now is that all our friends live far away, so this will alleviate that burden.

This weekend was remarkably low key, considering what the upcoming weekend looks like. Mainly, I cleaned and worked out a lot. I know it sounds boring, but it wasn't too bad. I'm involved with the homeless outreach ministry at my church. We meet every thursday night and go out onto Boston Common, handing out food and clothes. Afterwards, we sing some praise songs and have a little sharing of the Word. It's really the highlight of my week. I love the people I serve with-I didn't know until I had it how much I crave Christian fellowship. I don't need (or even want) all of my friends to be Christian-I love learning and sharing with people of other (or no) faiths. But, I have been loving spending time with folks that want to pray with me. It's been such a soothing experience, weird as that sounds. I find that when I pray more, I feel much better about life in general. This should not be a new revelation, but it is. Anyway, I digress.

Part of Thursday night fellowship is making connections with the local homeless population. Occasionally, some of them actually obtain housing (hallelujah!) but then have nothing to fill their apartments with (less hallelujah). So, the group goes through our cupboards and sees what we have to offer. Fortunately, right now, Tom and I are registered for new everything, so when a couple from church got a house last week, I had a lot to offer. Tom, bless him, heroically volunteered his beloved toaster oven to the cause. (side note-unmarried friends! Please add "generosity" to the list of traits you want in a mate. I find this, more than any other thing, continually amazes and surprises me, making me appreciate Tom more each day. But enough about the mushy stuff.) So, the task fell to me to clean said toaster oven. Those who have visited us know this is not a pretty toaster oven, and the task was going to be brutal. However, I wanted to honor Tom's sacrifice by making this thing shine like the top of the Chrysler building! So, I bought some steel wool pads and scrubbed. And scrubbed. And scrubbed some more. I scrubbed that sucker continually for 1.5 hours, no joke. After it was clean, I thought a)why didn't I do that years ago? and b)now that it's clean, maybe we should keep it?

I'm always embarrassed when I learn how to do a simple thing I should have known how to do. This keeps happening to me with house work. Why did I never know how to scrub a bathtub? I know my mother tried to teach me how to do these things, but I guess I didn't listen or it didn't stick. I've become a disciple of "Ask a Clean Person", a column on thehairpin.com, for the inventive answers to my domestic questions. Sometimes I am mortified by how delighted I get when I learn a household task, but then I remember that cleaning is not "woman's work" or something that I should be embarrassed about. I have so, so much more to give to this world than a sparkling bathtub! But, being able to clean things is a useful skill, just like knowing how to change a fuse or do my taxes. A self-sufficient person should be able to do all these things, and just because a chore is traditionally "womanly" doesn't mean that it's beneath my dignity.

Can you sense that I am struggling with gender roles? I so am. Not with Tom, because he is awesome and supportive and incredibly helpful around the house, but in general. "Woman" and "wife" are two titles I didn't give much thought about until I found myself at their doorstep. Now, I am trying to adapt and change, as we all must do to survive, without losing myself in the process. I'm so conflicted-sometimes I desperately want to make a delicious dinner to serve to my fiance at my immaculately set table, and other times I want to declare I don't cook, why don't YOU cook if you're hungry, I didn't get a JD to be a chef! Why can't I make up my mind? Or at least make peace with myself? It sounds a tad melodramatic, but so am I. Does anyone else worry about this?

I am making headway, however. I had an enlightening conversation with an old friend recently who told me that there is "me" and there are "my choices", and the choices I make do not change me, because I am the same person always making the choices. So in that way, "I" never change, or lose myself. It sounds not-so-coherent on paper, but trust me, it makes total sense. Makes me feel better, anyway. This is what you get for talking to Johnnie friends-total clarity and an inability to explain it to anyone else :)

After the oven was clean, I worked out. I've been really paying attention to this lately because, duh, wedding dress. I find the whole concept of working out so bizarre. It's like you have to say "I don't like the way I look" before you try it, since if you were happy, why would you need to improve? It's that acceptance that I need work that's kept me from working out all these years. That, and my crippling laziness I suppose. I've been streaming these workouts to my ipod, which I follow, that I am both able to complete and challenged by. "Crunch" workouts are on netflix instant, and it's been awesome. Some of them are awful, but I've picked a few winners. What a marvelous world we live in, where I can beam a gym instructor to my ipod! Anyway, these past few weeks I have been working out daily, and it's just weird. I feel like I look better but I do not appear to be dropping any weight. Am I doing it wrong? Why am I so clueless about my own body? I feel this way about picking out what to eat, too. I know that lots of calories is bad, and fewer calories is better, but why pick this or that snack? Should I be eating more protein, less carbs? Which are good and bad carbs, again? I am completely unable to make a coherent food plan, and as a result end up eating PB&Js every day. Mmmm....PB&Js. I think I'll make one after I finish this post.

Did you know PB&J is a totally American thing? I guess I should have, but until I went to Singapore, I never realized that most countries really don't eat peanut butter. My friend from India had never tried it! She was underwhelmed. Oh well-for all my jet-setting ways, if I had to give up peanut butter, I'd never survive. It's a staple in my diet. And I am proud of it.

Well, I'd better hit the gym. And have a PB&J. Hope you all have a great day!

Love,
Laura