In Praise of Women

Hey Everybody!!

I've decided to update this blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays, for no real reason. I wrote last time that "we'll see how often I update this",  but over the weekend I realized that the real problem was going to be restraining myself from posting too much. A forum is a dangerous thing, friends. Once I realized I had somewhere to share my thoughts, they started boiling over with wild abandon, demanding to be shared.

It is H-O-T in Boston. Like record-breaking hot. It was 87 yesterday as folks ran the Boston marathon, which is a big deal here I guess. People go and cheer and have parties and stuff, and nobody has to go to work. Our host, Dave, commented that I have probably not seen a marathon before, since it's too hot in Texas. I didn't want to reveal that I had not seen a marathon because I am stunningly unathletic, so I just nodded politely. It is mighty hot, though. And Tom and I don't have air-conditioning. There's a network of small fans crisscrossing the apartment, and we have the blinds drawn to keep out the sun. Our only respite is our tiny balcony. It is much cooler outside than in. We sit out there and pretend we're in a Tennessee Williams play, with nothing to do but slurp popsicles and comment on how hot it is. How did people LIVE before air-conditioning?

Now, down to the real stuff. I started with the weather because, truth be told, I am a little nervous to post on the topic that I am burning to talk about. You see, I want to talk about something very near and dear to myself-women. A lot of crazy things have been happening, and I can't just ignore them. But I am worried of what people will say. Worried about what men will say, worried about what other women will say, worried about everyone. We can talk about anything in our culture, but it's still unladylike to talk about women. Oh, well. I have seldom been accused of being ladylike.

It all started with contaception. A (thankfully) former Presidential candidate said women should put aspirin between their legs, meaning just keep them closed. As if sex was all our fault. It seems to me that it takes two people to have sex, and unless you're a lesbian, one of those is usually a man. Why is it OUR responsibility to keep our legs closed? Why aren't we telling men to keep their pants on as an effective form of contraception?

Congress decided to have a hearing about it. They invited all men to testify. Because men are so good at contraception. Why is it that it's MY job to stay not-pregnant, but it's still a MAN'S job to tell me how to do it? A woman, Sandra Fluke, wanted to speak about it to Congress, and for her shocking boldness, she was called a SLUT by Rush Limbaugh. I know he's a stupid shock jock and gets paid to say offensive things for a living, but last time I checked, that's sexual harassment. And as we learned in the 80's PSAs, we don't have to take it.

Except, we sort of do have to take it. I read an article recently on cracked.com (a humor site that is frequently accidentally profound) about how men are bad to women because they just want to sleep with us and they can't help it. (http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html) It was, oddly enough, meant to be an apology. We can't help it, said the author. We want to sleep with you, and sometimes you don't let us! So we get our feelings hurt and we call you names. Because you withhold sex from us. Sorry, author, I was just doing what Rick Santorum told me to do.

This pervasive misogny is really starting to get to me. It ties in with a phenomenon I've heard called "Peter Pandemonium". Men are little boys, Judd Apatow and the rest of society tells us, and women are here to nag, parent, train, and reform us. We're not allowed to misbehave or have urges or even have fun-because we've got to take care of our men. We are meant to stay home, behave, pipe down and mind our own business. These are the kind of arguments used against womens' suffrage, and they are still visible today. Haven't we grown up at all? Besides being shockingly heteronormative, it's just plain lame. Why can't I be Peter Pan, too? Why do I, by virtue of what's between my legs, have to be good?

Of course, not every man is a pig like Limbaugh. My fiance Tom is wonderful and pointedly un-sexist. We have about as equal of a relationship as  think is possible. Not every man is an ogre, and many of them are pretty great. But even Tom, while watching a movie with me, will express satisfaction when a stereotypical "slutty" girl "gets what she deserves". We are all programmed to think and feel this way. And I've had just about enough of it.

A phrase I heard a lot growing up in the South (not in my own home, thank God) was "nobody likes a dirty girl". Seriously, people say this as an admonition. Clearly, someone likes a dirty girl-the boys who have sex with her. They like her, just not enough to legitimize her by dating her. No, they date "nice" girls who properly deny them sex, but they have to deal with their male urges somehow, since they cannot be helped, so they make a visit to the dirty girl. Well, what about female urges?Why do we have to pretend that we don't think about or want sex, just like men?

That's  why we're not allowed to talk about contraception, or female masturbation, or anything like that. Even today, we're not allowed to want sex-or talk about anything related to it. Because nobody likes a dirty girl. So girls go extremely uninformed, sometimes to the detriment of their health or even their lives, because we can't talk about things in a clear and rational way. Even almost-married women like myself must make whispered phonecalls to married girlfriends about contraception-because I'm too scared to ask a doctor. And that is a very sad state of affairs.

Ashley Judd, movie and tv star, thinks so, too. Recently, paparazzi caught her looking less-than-svelte and cried foul, saying her face was puffy and she'd had work done. She responded in a gorgeously measured and intelligent way (read it if you haven't: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/04/09/ashley-judd-slaps-media-in-the-face-for-speculation-over-her-puffy-appearance.html) that partly inspired this post. I wish I could speak as articulately as she does about this, but unfortunately I can't. She points out, so rightly, that women-hatred is so much in the fabric of our society that not only do women participate in it, but we deny that we're doing so. This is truth, ladies and gentlemen. Our culture makes it easy. Insults like bitch, whore, slut, and pussy are aimed at both genders to signify that a person is acting like women, a very insulting statement, indeed. Young men I know tell each other "sorry you have sand in your vagina" to indicate that the other's behavior is annoying, undesirable. And it's just disgusting, when you think about it.

We, as a culture, hate women. We mercilessly pick apart their appearance-on the street and on television. We insult each other with women-negative terms. And we criticize every choice women make-to have kids, to not have kids, to work, to stay at home, and to use contraception. I, for one, am done with it.

From this day on, I pledge not to criticize a women-one I know or one I don't-for what she is wearing or how she looks. I will try not to use slut, whore, or bitch as insults. And I will point out sexism wherever I see it, on TV or on the street. I will not rant (anymore)-because then I might become shrill and hysterical, something only women do-and I will lose all credit for my argument. I will calmly point out "that is sexist, and I don't appreciate it". Yes, this will annoy those around me. Women and men will call me a downer and say I'm taking everything too seriously. I don't care anymore. I can't watch it happen anymore and not say anything.

I need to wrap this up. I've gone on too long already. I had so much more to say, about how homophobia is inextricably linked to sexism, about the amazing women I'm working with at the Obama campaign who've shown me so much about all the glorious things it means to be a woman, and neo-feminism in the workplace...but I guess that's for another day. Maybe I should have a monthly post about women? Does that interest anybody? Let me know. Let me know all sorts of things-how you feel about this post, how you feel about women, how you feel in general. Let's start talking.

See you thursday, guys. Thanks for reading-you are wonderful!!